Weekend Update: Government Shutdown Ends, Epstein Email Says Trump "Knew About the Girls" - SNL

It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

Thank you guys. Thank you. Good evening.

Good evening, everyone. Welcome to Weekend Update.

I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. Well, the longest government shutdown in history finally

ended after 43 days of silence. Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che. I'm Colin Jost. -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo!

Well, the longest government shutdown in history finally ended after 43 days. And, you know, first day back in the office, you got to check all those piled-up e-mails. -♪ Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Whoo! Jeffrey Epstein, in which he claims that Donald Trump, quote, knew about the girls. It's bombshell news that legal experts are calling,

-"Duh." -$$!

This week's Epstein documents are obviously very dark and disturbing, but I also think it's kind of adorable that Epstein's e-mail address was J-E-E vacation at Gmail. It's like if Jeffrey Dahmers was

Dinner Time Jeff at Yahoo.

In one of the emails, Epstein's brother asked if Vladimir Putin has a picture of Donald Trump giving oral sex to someone named Bubba, which was an old nickname for Bill Clinton. So I guess that's one job Trump has created. I don't know if that oral sex story is true, but I do know that image is burned in my brain like that scene from The Shining. According to one released email,

Jeffrey Epstein claimed that he was quote, the one able to take Trump down, which is pretty big talk for a guy who lost to a bed sheet. -$1.99.

-$1.99. $1.99.

I just have to say, you know, in general, I don't really believe in conspiracies, because as a member of the Illuminati, I... I know that we, the lizard people, control everything. And it's really hard to believe that Trump was so oblivious

that he didn't notice his good friend was running an international pedophile ring. Though I guess Trump is the one guy on Earth who thinks YMCA is a straight anthem. And on a basic level, it's just shocking how many alleged pedophiles Trump was friends with.

Epstein, Prince Andrew, and Diddy. I mean, that's... that's a lot. You know? I mean, think about your own friend group. You know, how many pedophiles do you know? One, maybe two. But Trump's like the Forrest Gump

of meeting famous pedophiles.

-♪ ♪

The bill ending the government shutdown will fund SNAP through next September, and thank God, because I was this close to donating food. President Trump... President Trump attended a Washington Commanders game on Sunday, and I guess he hasn't been to one in a while

because he showed up in red skin. It was also reported that President Trump because he showed up in red skin. President Trump denied online rumors that the gold decorations in the Oval Office came from Home Depot. Even though he has a whole team of guys taking stuff from Home Depot all the time. He sued the BBC for $5 billion for a documenta... for a documentary that edited out the part of his January 6 speech where he called for protesters to be peaceful.

And to set the record straight, here is the full, unedited, completely accurate clip of what Trump said on that day.

Everybody knows I wiped out non-Bill Clinton.

-♪ ♪ -♪ ♪

-♪ ♪ Yeah, everyone wants to see it. Astronauts on the International Space Station are testing a new process that makes food using their own urine. They're also testing a new dessert called I Can't Believe It's Not Brownie.

-$1.50.

Netflix is producing a sequel to the 1990s Cosby show spinoff A Different World about students at an HBCU, which, of course, stands for Help! Bill Cosby's undressing! -$1.50. -$1.50.

-$1.50. -$1.50. A sheriff's officer in Indiana went into an elementary school to jokingly hand out tickets to students using the phrase 6-7. Everyone had a good laugh. Then he pulled out his gun and said,

now tell me what it means." -$ -$

The U.S. Mint this week stopped producing new pennies. Doesn't make sense.

$ $ $

Now, I had another one. It was, uh, the U.S. Mint this week stopped producing new pennies. One last severe blow to Lincoln's head. So I'll do the first one. I'll do the first one.

Maxwell House Coffee temporarily changed its name to Maxwell Apartment to better reflect current times. Though it's much better than their first choice, Gilene Maxwell House. Came up so early.

And finally, a new documentary that analyzed Adolf Hitler's DNA shows he suffered from a disease which leads to lower testosterone levels, undescended testicles, and a micro-penis, traits inherited by his secret grandson. -♪♪♪♪

-$5.99. $5.99.

We'll be right back. I'm Michael Che.

I'm Carl Azuz. Good night.

Thank you. Thank you. -♪♪♪♪