Weekend Update: Trump Fires Kristi Noem, Wants to Pick Iran's Next Leader - SNL

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It's Weekend Update with Colin Jost and Michael Che.

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Thank you very much. Thank you. Thank you. Good evening, everyone.

Welcome to Weekend Update. I'm Michael Che.

I'm Colin Jost.

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Well, Homeland Security Secretary Christy Noem has been fired. Colin Jost. innocent guy they shot, a domestic terrorist? Was it spending $220 million of taxpayer money on an ad campaign where she dressed up like Jessie from Toy Story? She's so happy riding the horse in this. I bet his name is Corey Lewandowski. You know, on some level, I feel bad for Kristi Noem.

Imagine being singled out as the worst member of Trump's cabinet. That's like someone coming up to you at a party and saying, we think you should leave. You're making Diddy uncomfortable.

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President Trump said he will reassign Kristi Noem to be special envoy for the Shield of the Americas, which is a brand-new department located on a farm upstate. The CIA is reportedly working to arm local militias in Iran with the hopes that they will lead an uprising. Hey, it worked great in Afghanistan. President Trump said that he should be involved in choosing Iran's next Supreme Leader.

So congrats to new Supreme Leader Ayatollah Jared Kushnari.

The prediction market site Kalshi is being sued for failing to pay out $54 million to people who bet that the Ayatollah Khomeini would leave office before March 1st. Because technically, he never really left the office. famous mind reader, Oz Perlman. Big deal. Even I can read Trump's mind. Uh, dementia.

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Officials in New Mexico are reopening investigations into the ranch that Jeffrey Epstein owned, and they should have known something was up when Epstein's ranch was all ponies.

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Really bumming them out there, folks.

-♪♪ Oh. Really bumming them out there, folks. Yes. Ha ha ha.

Health Secretary Robert F. Kennedy Jr., who is what happens if you leave Walton Goggins in an air fryer...

That's fun.

...said that he will challenge Dunkin' Donuts to prove that their sugary drinks are safe. You know what that means. A push-up contest with Ben Affleck.

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A rash has appeared on President Trump's neck, which is just above his collar. Apparently, someone accidentally washed his shirt in holy water.

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-♪ Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh I love it. Two employees at a smoothie king in Michigan were reportedly fired after refusing

to serve a smoothie to a man who was wearing a President Trump hoodie. Which is crazy. I mean, what happened to being civil and just serving a smoothie with spitting it?

Timothee Chalamet is being criticized by major opera and ballet organizations after he said that no one cares about those art forms. Chalamet made the comment on a press tour for his movie about ping pong.

A passenger on Japan Airlines posted a picture of a seat cushion on the plane that features a cheek splitter wedge in the middle, which is very confusing, because cheek splitter is also the Japanese title for heated rivalry.

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In the front row, that got a couple. -♪♪ An etiquette expert is saying that the proper way to eat cereal is with a spoon in one hand and a fork in the other. The fork is to attack anyone that comes for me lucky charms. Astronomers say that they have discovered

what they are calling a dark galaxy

after they got off the wrong exit in Atlanta. I know. Worse, it wasn't dead when he started. Thank you.

Thank you.

Thank you. It's a weird transition.

March is Women's History Month. Yeah.

Women's History Month. Women's History Month. Celebrating all those ladies who did that stuff. Good job, girlies. -♪♪ Good job, girlies. -♪♪

Oh, this is our envy show.