You VS The Pirate She Told You Not to Worry About

I got your crab here.Oh, Eli picked up my sh**.

Yeah.

Unintentionally.Why would you do that?Oh my god.It wrecked you.Everyone, let's get your, uh, let's get your best argh.Yarrr.

Sorry, that's pretty good.I like that.John?Okay.Somebody shoot that dog.Origin is an insane way to describe race.

That's what I said.That is insane.

Chat.Hey, did you - Tucker, Eli, John, see what I see?I got the Drewski version on right now.

I don't even know if I want to see what it looks like, bro.I don't even know if I could do that.It's not that bad.

Really?Let's go through the colors.Okay, there's Thanos.There's Blue Guy.Green Shrek.Actually looks like Shrek.

Ooh, okay, let's skip over brown for a second.Okay, let's go like - Maybe somewhere in between a white and a black?I don't know if I can, man. I don't know if I can.We're gonna work our way up to like 1950s racist caricature.Here we go.One frame.

Yeah, I can't do that.

The image of the preview alone is crazy.

Edward Teach.Blackbeard.I forgot that was his name.That's crazy.

I wonder if there's a way for you guys to go through that.I'm just loading.I can skip all of it.

I can skip the whole thing.Hey, dude, I don't need to see all this.this.

I hit escape.

I just punched that door open.Damn this dude dead as hell.I'm not reading all that dog.I'll be honest.

Thanks for the coffee.

I'm beating his ass.I'm not using a single weapon this playthrough.I'm dead I think.Yep.I think I'm gonna die.I don't think the game will let me die here.

You say that.No, literally, it's not killing me.My health is gone, and it's just letting me die.Just let me get hit by this guy.Sick.Sorry.

Alright, I have a weapon.I have a bullet in here.You guys don't have a - Okay, Tucker actually has ammo, so I should stop bluffing.

First things first, we gotta go find a fucking place to set up a camp and light a bonfire.Wait, is this a survival game?

Yes.Oh, really?

I didn't even know.Dude, I just agreed.I thought this was just gonna be a pirate game with ships, dude.No, no, no, we'll get to the ships.

How do I get wood?

Probably - Is that a Dodo bird?He's not mean at all.He's just chillin' here.Look at him.I'm gonna ride him.I'm gonna ride him.

Don't kill him off!You do this every game we play!You do this every game.You do it - literally, I find something I like, you know, I kill him.Go get him, Dodo.

Just go ahead and kill him real quick.Are you kidding me?No.No, I'm deadass.

They're mean as hell and they're - He is literally chilling here doing nothing and you want to kill him?

You just shot his cousin, what do you mean, of course?

Oh Eli picked up my shit.

Yeah unintentionally.Why would you do that?

We'll kill this one nice good.I'm on it More like dead dough more like don't don't more like more like I'll leave.I'm just gonna disconnect the thing.

How do I get wood?How do I make an axe?

Look at the driftwood, dude.

Just picked up the driftwood.

This guy, don't take, you know, if you guys ever bring anyone to an island, don't bring Eli.Listen to him.

You know, he'd bring like some hot sauce.He wouldn't even bring like a knife or something.

Three items you bring to an island, what you bring in?

A multi -use tool.

You probably bring four eggs.A billion dollars.

Four eggs would be great as one item.It's not!As one item.

You guys are stupid.

I'd bring a boat.

That's it.One boat.Dumbass.Might contain a pearl.

What?The scallops.You eat scallops.Oh yeah, you can use the pearl for weapons.

Eli, listen to me.If you find a black pearl, do not touch it, dog.Do not touch it.If you find a coin in the bottom of the ocean, do not touch it, homie.Oh shit, I think I already picked it up.I have a quest for one.

Or we have to go get it.What, a black pearl?No, a broken heirloom medallion, bro.This looks like the shit that got activated in the first movie.Oh shit!I have the perfect amount of dodo eggs in my inventory to make an omelette.

That's wonderful news.

Guess how many it is!Oh, you can make bacon and eggs and how is it illustrated?Okay, there's three eggs.

I'll concede that three eggs is okay You're a fucking pirate and there's baked one with tide, right?So you're working your ass off.

Quit your yapping I'm making dodo broth.Oh, there's a little pickaxe thing over here.I wanted to see.How do I turn on my flashlight?There is none.What?

The flashlight keys not working.

Whoa, look at all this stuff

It's copper you're asking me how useful this is real people break into homes to steal this.Are you kidding me?

It's gonna be so valuable It's like those soap breaking videos, bro, but I cut soap in half, you know, I mean, yeah, I'm a little autistic The smelter There's fucking weather.

Oh, there'll be a blood moon tonight boys Get a trident from this guy get a trident from him we need it Chucking my dick off bro.

I missed again.You guys got it.

She really started locking on Guys I got it.Come on in here.How did you build this?Let's talk.It's a prefab.

How did you you just put this together?We need some light in here.I'm gonna put some light in here that might burn it down.Dude, my character's actually hitting the honk -shoo -mee -mee -mee -mee.Tucker, look.Look at my mouth.

Look at my mouth when I lay here and sleep.

Look at me go...What are you gonna shoot me?What are you gonna shoot me for laying here sleeping?

John, you took a couple of mine.Can I have three?No.Alright, yeah, just, that's fine.We're not working together.Here, here's one.

How do I drop it?I'm grabbing plant fiber, don't worry about it.I'll just get some plant fiber, don't worry about me.

Okay, I won't.

Yeah, I know.That's why I'm saying don't worry about me. I think it's an interesting system to have to craft something and it just sits there.It's not like you need time for it to craft.It's an instant craft.It should just go right in your inventory.

No, I agree.That's actually a statement I agree with.

Thank you.Two eggs.That's all I'm saying.You know what?irks me, Eli?You're agreeing with Flom on a food, uh, thing.

You know?Has he ever stated his opinion?Yeah, man.He was very strongly team four eggs.Yeah, what's wrong with four eggs?Do we really have to go into it, man?

John, what do you think?Can you handle four eggs?

I think four eggs only if you're real hungry.

For an omelette.We're talking about an omelette.We're not talking about like sunny side up.We're just talking about a normal serving of eggs in omelette form or what have you.I just do cheese in my Alma.

I'm gonna be real and I would say Forced quite a bit.

Thank you, John.I will say the four egg rule is an exception if you're eating deviled eggs.Yeah No White people love their deviled eggs, that's right.It's one of our greatest like people we always be talking about man. I love some deviled eggs Yeah, I am white people bro, I'm gonna love deviled eggs deviled eggs are uh Are we talking scale of all eggs?

We'll just like an egg preparation.

We're talking like a preparation.

I think it's a way to eat eggs.It's a shitty movie maker video waiting to happen.

Little hollandaise sauce, English muff.I love some hollandaise sauce.I didn't even think about shortening Nice speaking of bald, where's the emo button?

Don't ask how I got there so far.It's not the Bretons.I pressed runs So like if you ever misspeak talk at it again You guys want to build a platform?

Oh perfect Tucker.This is great We'll build a bunch of kills out on the dock and we'll just dump all of the shit into the ocean I figure it's the 1700s.We got lots of time here.We don't we could we could reverse.Yeah.

Yeah, I think we got yeahlet's do that.I need more clay too.Let's go find more clay.John, come with me.Did you hear about clay cheating on Megan?

That's crazy.I would have never cheated on Megan.Megan, if you hear this, hit me up.Yo, look at this over here.There's a village and it has zero out of three on it.Oh, it's ruins.

Oh, I wonder what that could be.Oh, nice.

I want my gun out in case there's any natives here.All right.These are the natives.

That's an insane sentence.Did you die?

Melee weapon.Do we need a specific skill to punch through that?

Damn.Damn.Damn.That's crazy.Uh, run.

We should run.Is he coming for me?I don't know.I'm trying to get out of this thing I've jumped into.

Oh.

Aye, he came for me. I did not know you were right there, man. I did not know you were right there.Oh man, he's coming.Dodged.Weef.

He had backup, bro.But the yellow - No, the yellow boat is mine.Who builds a boat?What?It's my boat.

When did you build that?

He did all the quests.

You guys are good, basically.Oh, we just get boats because we did quests?Yeah.

Just like it was back in the day.

I mean, we're still doing the tutorials so that we can get stuff.Broke my guard.He broke my guard.He messed me up.What am I doing?That was an interesting play.

Dodge!I'm in a fucking battle right now, dude.I'm gonna make you guys some swords.I feel like Goliath.

I feel like David.No, I am Goliath.

Fuck it.I'm winning this fight.

Ow.

Locked.I think there's somebody pissed off out here.Yeah, there he is.

Sounds like a pissed - long -legged pissed -off poor weakling.is an old throwback road not many people will get that one we gotta take these down you've been training Okay, this was mine.Yeah.Yeah, this was what happened John.

I missed it, so what do you think happened dumbass?Oh?

What the hell were you guys trying to do here?

I'm so pissed.There's this guy, bro.He's wearing my backpack.Oh, you're trying to fight a boar?Yeah.

I thought you were fighting Drowned.Bro!He double swings every time and I never learn.

I'm back again, baby.There's his double attack.Got him.Got his ass.

I can't recall my ship, so someone took my ship.Well, if you need to remember it, what did it look like?

pirate humor all right we'll come back we'll get you your baby boy shit man we'll get you your baby boy shit hold the sails hold the sails i'm hitting k nothing's happening yeah that button don't work um what so when you oh i gotta talk to doc i never talked to the fucker hey if you die at sea you lose your stuff by the way Oh, cool.What?

So what's that sound?Should I be worried about that?

I hear - I hear - There's gunboats!There's gunboats behind me!No, no, it's fine.How do you say that as he's getting chased down there?Wait, they're aggroing me now!

Why are they shooting at me, bro?They're shooting at me!

They can't aggro on me.

Don't worry about it.

Head north, head north.Missed!Don't turn into me!Don't turn - Cringe!Cringe, don't turn into me!What, are you gonna ram a little guy in a sailboat?

What the hell, bro?

They locked me in a room.They locked me in a room.A rubble room.A rubble room.Ow!It almost hit me. I opened an old skeleton.

Ooh, we got homeward jo - Holy fuck.

Holy crap.Not the - Dude, that's a cursed treasure.Don't pick that up.Elixir of Cruelty.

That's the laxative in this universe Yeah My mom just dropped off a plate of spaghetti to me naked by the way You got a floor shop that is John sweet bro, you got to do it headshot, okay Bro, what was that?He strafe midair bro, that's ridiculous.Why is my respawn point here?

Don't we still need to rescue the crew on that other island?

Yeah, so...Hey, that boat is, uh...Guys?

Man!What the hell?We're fine.Fire back, boys!

The ship on the shore is badly damaged.We'll have to labor to get her afloat.You need to...wood, 20 nails, 20 coarse fabric, 10 ropes.

Oh my God, I get to work.A knot is one nautical mile an hour or 1 .151 miles per hour.I'm going to say this and say this once.

No!

Yeah, I'm going to say this and back off.Please, like he's saying it twice.

One nail I got one nail from this box.

I don't know why a double cheeseburger and apple pie I can repair the ship should I just do it?

Well, yeah, yeah, but everybody else has to do it.There's shared quests.This one I don't think is shared.

Yeah, I think you guys have to do it as well.

Yeah, so this is where we got to go break out the people that we got marooned.

Been trying to do that.

I am probably going to get seasick if I had to go first person.

First person would be so sick though.Yeah, seasick.Sit with that, bro.That was the worst thing I've ever heard in my fucking life, honestly.

I didn't even...Denial is a river in Egypt.Denial is a stage of grief, okay?Two things can be true.

Right.Like two eggs is enough for an omelette, and four is too many.Two eggs is not enough for an omelette.Fucking...

Gas was $3 a gallon and became $4 a gallon overnight, you'd probably be upset, right?

Eh, the cost of war, you know, you gotta spread democracy and all that.God.

Average farmer.

-egg opinion right there.

Average guy who eats 4 eggs.Fuck you, do not lump me with that 24 -egger.

Oh yeah.You ever see the guy who catches a lobster, and he's just, he released one video, the first thing he says is, we got an egg -er.In the comments, because that's what they call them.That's what they call them in the lobster business when they have eggs on them.It just sounds so insane!

Do you guys ever hear Nickelodeon's Halloween special?

No.

It's Nick or Treat.

One of the top players right now for the athletics in baseball is a man named Nicholas Cook.

I caught my throat, I was so scared.That's literally what the announcers are going to be going through, bro.He said, say that one.Isn't there a football guy whose last name, um...

Yeah, that one, I don't know what you're going to do about it.You just pass that one along.You just say the number at that point.My high school did away with the numbers on the back.So, or I mean the name on the back, because of my name.There goes Boner of the field.

Literally, Boner pushing through the hole.You were the reason.

You were the sole reason.Boner finding the tight crack in the defense.Boner lining up a tight end.Boner roping to his defenseman.

Boner insane d - Oh wait, it is done.The recruitment thing is done.It's off the map.

Oh, are those our boats?Let's go back.Yeah.Yeah, man.Whoa!

When did that happen?

You gotta talk to Doc.

You gotta talk to the boat.

Alright, I'll talk to the boat.

Uh, done.Oh my god, a third ship has spawned.

Hey, are you in my place?

I'm crafting disposal.Oh, there he is.Okay, and I stole 19 pieces of wood dude Are we really separating crates here and resources?Yeah, bro, literally no point.

I have shiny valuables.Is this a pirate game or not?

Yeah They're mine These ones are mine!

Yeah, okay, that's fine.You can do whatever you want.You don't just - You don't just dig in another band's booty.

You just don't.Yeah.Well, I sometimes do.You do when you work together.

Can we sail the ships and be done?I'm tired of pirate puns.Can we sail the ships and be done, please?Shities!

Shities!

What happens if I spawn my boat on your boat?I don't think that's possible.Oh God, it's right there.Alright, I'll get on my boat.I got my own crew with Blackjack and hookers.Ram the ship!

Uh -oh.I'm making a steady turn here.

Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli, Eli!

I'm underwater here, boys.This is what rich people be doing in the past.Who's riding my ass?I don't know, me?My name is Edward.

Edward?

Yeah, well, you know what they say minor is better than major, huh, are we done yeah, we're done I playthis again, though.Yeah Three million likes three million likes Before I go I might change my character a little bit I feel like yeah, I feel like I need a persona you guys heard of blackbeard pirate.Well, I'm black face pirate No, okay All right.All right.That was bad.

I'm gonna go back to the white face.Sorry.Not great.No